I am not a religious person, but I have strong, non-dogmatic spiritual beliefs drawn from several of the world’s religious traditions. My beliefs give me a comfortable certainty of continuance after death, but I am free of the need to define continuance in detail.
I am also not a big fan of rituals – funerals, of course, being one of my least favorites. I understand all the traditional grief-resolution arguments about funerals; I have planned some and attended many – some beautiful, some bordering on ridiculous. The most ridiculous are those with the strongest discontinuity between the deceased’s life and the subsequent eulogism. Nonetheless, I have a reasonable tolerance of other people’s need for ritual. I understand I’m the oddball.
Griz and I, however, have both made specific requests in our wills for NO FUNERAL. One of us will probably have the luxury of expecting this request to be honored. We have both requested cremation with our ashes to be scattered at sea - if such can be easily arranged and if sea-scattering is still legal. I suppose the scattering might provide an opportunity for ritual if any survivors feel inclined – not much you can do about it from the ash side of things.
Though I have not specified it in my will, I have discussed alternative ash disposal methods with those close to me. For the record, beneath a big cedar tree is a current favorite. But my attachment to the ultimate disposition of this mortal vessel is so minimalistic, that down the toilet or into the compost heap would not offend. One of my environmental goals, after all, is to leave no visible footprint. However, if the compost heap is where I land, I would like to request no brussels sprouts be grown from that particular soil. I have never acquired a taste for brussels sprouts: it’s odd really – I love most varieties of cabbage. Perhaps I’ll evolve through that particular distaste on the “ash side of things.”
I did not watch the Michael Jackson memorial at Staples Center; but, of course, I have been brushed by the news bytes and commentary – pro and con. Participating in such a super-bowlesque extravaganza for ANY reason is almost beyond my comprehension, but I don’t deride those who did. It seems a fitting element of grief resolution for the family and friends of a talented musician who lived virtually his whole life in the public eye. Music and entertainment are integral to his siblings’ lives as well – this family needed this.
A friend directed me to the video of Jermaine Jackson’s touching rendition of Smile. I was particularly moved because Smile was one of my father’s favorite songs – something I didn’t even know until I was caring for Dad at the end of his life. Smile was originally a song of my father’s generation.
Music, family ties, loss and grief are cross-cultural and cross-generational. Even someone as ritualistically flippant as me is moved when I’m reminded of the profound universality of our humanness.
