Humor – Blog From A Hermit Dot Com

The Majestic Plastic Bag

January 15, 2011

Kudos to Jeremy Irons! This just would not be the same without his beautiful narration:

By Trish | Posted in Humor, Mis-Tech, Nature, Science | Tagged environment, HealtheBay.org, Jeremy Irons, plastics | Comments off

Coming as comic relief from all this week’s mayhem and natural disasters is the “news” that (with the use of their more accurate tools) astronomers, in an attempt to help the astrological community become more scientific ( huh?), have come up with a new astrological grid and added a 13th Zodiac sign to help us get more accurate about the stars’ impact on our personalities. Of course, the Internet has upped the volume of this unlikely twain between astronomy and astrology.

I did a post awhile back about my birth date having placed me on the Libra-Scorpio astrological cusp, which made for fun and frivolous dialog in my dating years (the highest value I’ve ever placed in astrology and astrological predictions). But I’ve always enjoyed a good laugh – so I thought I’d run a bit with the impact of the new grid (which theoretically takes the earth’s wobble into account).

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

Suddenly, not only am I no longer a Libra-Scorpio cusp – but in the new “more scientific astrology,” I’m not even a Libra anymore. (Makes me feel all out of balance in some mysterious way.) I’ve apparently fallen backward into the previous birth sign – Virgo. Does this mean the stars – or my stars – have changed so much that I’ve suddenly become someone else entirely? Or maybe you get to keep your old sign if you’re over 50 and were a Libra at birth back when the stars were all somewhere else.

And who decides when the stars have changed enough that I’m not who I used to be – the astrologists or the astronomers? Very scary, either way. But nowhere near as scary as the fact that both NBC’s nightly news and our local evening news ran this non-story as news, neither with any reference to the “new” astrological schemata as an interdisciplinary jab not a done deal. The local news even included it as one of their three “top story” headliners. (I will give NBC’s Brian Williams and our local anchor people credit – at least they delivered the story somewhat tongue-in-cheek. Williams even had the grace to look embarrassed.)

Since a little surfing demonstrates that mate-seeking is the arena that sells the most astrological “readings,” let’s see what happens with Griz and me on the new grid. Back when I was a Libra-Scorpio cusp, I was, theoretically, particularly compatible with any Sagittarius-Capricorn cusps that happened my way – and behold – Griz was one that happened my way about 30 years ago.

But now what will happen? At what point did Griz’ and my stars become so misaligned that the outlook for the success of our relationship has tumbled to this level (addition of the new Ophiuchus sign keeps Griz a Sagittarius).

Virgo Woman and Sagittarius Man
The basic personality of a Virgo woman does not match with that of a Sagittarius man. In fact, both are poles apart. He is untamed and lives a life full of excitement and adventure. She, on the other hand, is very serious towards life and prefers to stay away from any kind of experiments. He will not be able to fulfill her needs of security and safety. In fact, he is more probable to make her feel anxious and apprehensive. She believes in loyalty and he has a flirtatious nature. He will grow tired of her predictability and excessive carefulness. – astrology/compatibility

Predictability and excessive carefulness? Naw, don’t feel any of that coming on. (The fact that I’m actually doing another astrology post should provide some verification.) Well, maybe I’m a little more careful about some things than I was in my youth – after all, this body’s not quite as flexible or quick to recover from trauma. But I always thought that particular change was the result of normal wear and tear from living many years in planet Earth’s gravity. Had no clue it might be because my stars had completely realigned.

Just goes to show – if you live long enough – the universe will realign around you whether you’re working at it or not. Not to mention that entertainment will become news and news will become entertainment.

Never doubted either of those for a minute.

By Trish | Posted in Hermit's Rants, Humor, Mis-Tech | Tagged astrology, new astrology, news as entertainment | Comments off

“The human race in that era will get into troubles all over its head…”

September 9, 2010

Smokey the Bear Sutra by Gary Snyder

Once in the Jurassic about 150 million years ago,
the Great Sun Buddha in this corner of the Infinite
Void gave a Discourse to all the assembled elements
and energies: to the standing beings, the walking beings,
the flying beings, and the sitting beings — even grasses,
to the number of thirteen billion, each one born from a
seed, assembled there: a Discourse concerning
Enlightenment on the planet Earth.

“In some future time, there will be a continent called
America. It will have great centers of power called
such as Pyramid Lake, Walden Pond, Mt. Rainier, Big Sur,
Everglades, and so forth; and powerful nerves and channels
such as Columbia River, Mississippi River, and Grand Canyon
The human race in that era will get into troubles all over
its head, and practically wreck everything in spite of
its own strong intelligent Buddha-nature.”

“The twisting strata of the great mountains and the pulsings
of volcanoes are my love burning deep in the earth.
My obstinate compassion is schist and basalt and
granite, to be mountains, to bring down the rain. In that
future American Era I shall enter a new form; to cure
the world of loveless knowledge that seeks with blind hunger:
and mindless rage eating food that will not fill it.”

And he showed himself in his true form of

SMOKEY THE BEAR

A handsome smokey-colored brown bear standing on his hind legs, showing that he is aroused and
watchful.

Bearing in his right paw the Shovel that digs to the truth beneath appearances; cuts the roots of useless
attachments, and flings damp sand on the fires of greed and war;

His left paw in the Mudra of Comradely Display — indicating that all creatures have the full right to live to their limits and that deer, rabbits, chipmunks, snakes, dandelions, and lizards all grow in the realm of the Dharma;

Wearing the blue work overalls symbolic of slaves and laborers, the countless men oppressed by a
civilization that claims to save but often destroys;

Wearing the broad-brimmed hat of the West, symbolic of the forces that guard the Wilderness, which is the Natural State of the Dharma and the True Path of man on earth: all true paths lead through mountains –

With a halo of smoke and flame behind, the forest fires of the kali-yuga, fires caused by the stupidity of
those who think things can be gained and lost whereas in truth all is contained vast and free in the Blue Sky and Green Earth of One Mind;

Round-bellied to show his kind nature and that the great earth has food enough for everyone who loves her and trusts her;

Trampling underfoot wasteful freeways and needless suburbs; smashing the worms of capitalism and
totalitarianism;

Indicating the Task: his followers, becoming free of cars, houses, canned foods, universities, and shoes;
master the Three Mysteries of their own Body, Speech, and Mind; and fearlessly chop down the rotten
trees and prune out the sick limbs of this country America and then burn the leftover trash.

Wrathful but Calm. Austere but Comic. Smokey the Bear will
Illuminate those who would help him; but for those who would hinder or
slander him,

HE WILL PUT THEM OUT.

Thus his great Mantra:

Namah samanta vajranam chanda maharoshana
Sphataya hum traka ham nam

“I DEDICATE MYSELF TO THE UNIVERSAL DIAMOND
BE THIS RAGING FURY DESTROYED”

And he will protect those who love woods and rivers,
Gods and animals, hobos and madmen, prisoners and sick
people, musicians, playful women, and hopeful children:

And if anyone is threatened by advertising, air pollution, television,
or the police, they should chant SMOKEY THE BEAR’S WAR SPELL:

DROWN THEIR BUTTS
CRUSH THEIR BUTTS
DROWN THEIR BUTTS
CRUSH THEIR BUTTS

And SMOKEY THE BEAR will surely appear to put the enemy out
with his vajra-shovel.

Now those who recite this Sutra and then try to put it in practice will accumulate merit as countless as the sands of Arizona and Nevada.

Will help save the planet Earth from total oil slick.

Will enter the age of harmony of man and nature.

Will win the tender love and caresses of men, women, and beasts.

Will always have ripe blackberries to eat and a sunny spot under a pine tree to sit at.

AND IN THE END WILL WIN HIGHEST PERFECT ENLIGHTENMENT.

thus have we heard.

(may be reproduced free forever)

By Trish | Posted in Humor, Nature, Philosophy, Poetry, Spirituality | Tagged Gary Snyder poetry, Nature, Philosophy, Smokey the Bear Sutra, Spirituality | Comments off

“Just fun”

March 17, 2010

Griz forwarded this to me with the above subject. It’s a rare song or music video that captures Griz’ attention. I’m posting it here so we can both find it easily (and just in case any of you missed it.) Eight million views in just over two weeks – there’s method in this madness. I like the music, too, but would probably buy it just to honor the effort.

This Too Shall Pass by OK Go

“Any real record person knows that the number one most powerful marketing tool when it comes to music is repetition.” – Nile Rodgers

By Trish | Posted in Art, Family, Humor, Music | Tagged OK Go This Too Shall Pass Music video, Rube Goldberg machine | Comments off

Solitude, SHOULD & The Hermit Uncertainty Principle

November 22, 2009

This album contains 1 items.

I admit it. One of my attractions to solitude is the free pass it provides – a free pass from should. When you live in solitude, no one cares if you’re naked or nocturnal – as long as you’re self-supporting (sometimes tough in solitude) and not bothering anyone (extremely easy in solitude). Why would anyone [...]

Pride Goeth Before the Fart: The Eight (or 9) Winds

November 12, 2009

The Buddhists say there are eight winds. They are gain and loss, praise and ridicule, credit and blame, and suffering and joy. If you aren’t aware of them, they will blow you away like dry leaves in an autumn breeze. For example, when someone praises you, and that tastes sweet like candy in your mouth, you are being blown away by the wind of praise.

One day in ancient China a young man thought he had become enlightened. He wrote a poem to his master about how he was not blown by the eight winds. Then he sent it to his master who lived 300 miles up the Yangtze River.

When his master read the poem, he wrote “Fart, Fart” on the bottom and sent it back.

The more the young man read those words, the more upset he got. At last he decided to visit his master. In those days, the 300 mile trip up the Yangtze River was a very difficult journey. As soon as he arrived, he went straight to his master’s temple.

“Why did you write this? he asked, bowing. “Doesn’t this poem show that I am no longer blown about by the eight winds?”

“You say that you are no longer blown by the eight winds,” replied the master, “but two little farts blew you all the way up here.”

- Gary Zukav, Soul Stories, (c) 2000

By Trish | Posted in Humor, Spirituality | Tagged Buddhist humor, eight winds, Gary Zukav | Comments off

An Efficient No Can Do-Loop

October 29, 2009

Using the 1-800 number provided in a letter we received from Boeing retiree medical plans, I made a telephone call this morning to confirm some information I was unable to confirm online, where I conduct most such business.

I was greeted by a very HALesque, pear-shaped tone, male 3d_1001_1032 computer voice which asked me to enter the ID number.

Immediately after I did so, HAL admitted sadly: “I’m having some problems. I’ll transfer you to a representative.”

I was impressed and rather tickled that HAL was willing to admit his fallibility so promptly rather than sending me off to a string of endless menus.

Furthermore, I didn’t have to wait for a live representative. Tami came on the line immediately, provided her name and asked if she could help.

I asked if the ID number I’d entered made it through to her.

She said “no” and asked for the Boeing employee’s name.

She looked the name up to confirm she should offer further assistance and repeated her offer.

I described the information I wished to confirm.

Tami replied with: “So this is a Health and Insurance Plan question?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll have to transfer you to someone who can help.”

Uh-oh.

And she transferred me back to HAL – who was still feeling ill.

Calm but decisive. No options: “Our system is not available now. Please call back at another time. Good-bye.” Click.

Well, at least I was never on hold, HAL never called me Dave and he didn’t fade out singing Daisy. A quick good-bye is always much better than being ejected off into space or something.

Might be a sad commentary on our times, though – I’m now so well-trained at phone call hassles with intricate, unhelpful menu loops, getting nowhere efficiently feels like a kind of victory.

By Trish | Posted in Humor, Mis-Tech, Movies | Tagged HAL 9000 computer, movie "2001", telephone computer menus | Comments off

Life on the Cusp: The Well-Balanced Maniac

October 25, 2009

According to one friend, my October Balance post was a clear expression of my astrological sign: Libra. Well – perhaps. Personally, I file astrology under occasional Libra fun, entertainment – and maybe an attractive piece of jewelry. I’ve never had my chart done, I rarely invest more than a passing thought or occasional glance at my horoscope; but today, for some reason, I decided to do a little follow-up research on a comment from my youth (by a hopeful suitor). After all, the vast annals of Astrology.com are just a few clicks away now.

My birthday means my sun sign is not simply Libra. Having been born near the change date from one sun sign to the next, I’m actually a Libra-Scorpio Cusp. According to my suitor (way back then): “Libra-Scorpio Cusps are well-balanced sex maniacs.”

My reply: “If one is going to be a sex maniac, it’s probably best to be well-balanced about it.” Whether this fellow and I further explored this interesting label is none of your business, and whatever happened was billions of years ago anyway.

My online research today was a quick check to see if there is any astrological basis at all for the sex-maniac comment. (I’ve long been aware of the Libran balance part of the equation.) Here’s Astrology.com’s initial paragraph about Libra-Scorpio Cusps:

Libra is the seventh sign of the zodiac; Scorpio is the eighth. After Libra’s intellectual exploration of other people, Scorpio’s interest is in discovering other people’s emotions and how they respond to the world around them. Scorpio is the sign of sex and death, the beginning and ending, and they explore these ideas from an emotional standpoint. Libra/Scorpios strive to create balance and harmony between self and other through investigation and probing. They are often strongly intuitive and penetrating. They have a need to be liked.

So since Scorpio is the sign of sex and death, and Libra goes for balance and harmony, there is some astrological legitimacy to my date’s synopsis. Of course, I might be a well-balanced death maniac – but that was less relevant to my date’s objective. No, I do not remember what his astrological sign was, so who knows if we were astrologically compatible – which probably didn’t really matter to either of us. I also don’t remember his name – take that little nugget of information off to wherever you wish.

Like most healthy human beings, there was a phase of my youth in which hormones and curiosity combined to rank sex quite high on the motivational priority scale of my life. I don’t think I was ever particularly maniacal in its pursuit, though. I think my sexual philosophy was then and is still quite well-balanced:

Best when pursued within the context of a caring emotional bond, though not without its merits as an emotional-bond initiator and cultivator.
Enjoy fully (both physically and emotionally). Sex is a celebration of life. If you aren’t incorporating a fair amout of smiling and laughing (well, at least giggling) into the exchange, you may be taking sex (and possibly life) too seriously.
Not worth risking your life over.

I don’t think I’ve ever been particularly maniacal about anything really: not sex, death, money, love, politics. I lean toward the well-balanced side of the cusp – which is undoubtedly astrologically verified by the fact that my birthday’s on the Libra side of the cusp not the Scorpio.

Astrology.com”s “need to be liked” sentence seems a little off. Sure, I like to be liked, but I think my love of solitude takes me at least one rung down from NEED.

Ah-hah! Maybe I’m maniacal about solitude?

Nah – I’m even a balanced hybrid in the hermit arena.

My wanderings into astrology today confirmed that the descriptions are general enough to apply to (and flatter) almost anyone who’s curious enough to follow the path – a worthy choice for an hour’s entertainment. I am not passing judgment on those who are serious astrology buffs. I realize there is much more to the whole deal than simple sun signs and birthdays. If that’s where your interest takes you – go for it.

An interesting curiosity surfaced though: one of the most astrologically compatible mates for a Libra-Scorpio cusp is a Sagittarius-Capricorn cusp.

Coincidentally, my true-love, Griz, is a Sagittarius-Capricorn cusp. How about that? Worth a ponder…

“In the magical universe, there are no coincidences and there are no accidents. Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.” – William S. Burroughs

By Trish | Posted in Art, Family, Friends, Hermit's Rants, Humor, Spirituality | Tagged astrology, Libra-Scorpio cusp, non-believer ponders astrology, well-balanced maniac | Comments off

The “EEK” In Geek – Biting Heads Off Live Chickens

August 31, 2009

Chicken I’ve been periodically giggling about this all day, so I’ve decided to share. When working on that last post, this gem surprised me -

Who’d have thought the No. 1 definition of geek at Merriam-Webster Online would be:

1. a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake

You have to get all the way down to definition No. 3 for:

3. an enthusiast or expert especially in a technological field or activity <computer geek>

Ponder the irony. How’d the No. 3 definition ever evolve from that No. 1 definition? Just curious.

And, silly me. The reason I looked it up was I thought maybe the EE in geek had something to do with electrical engineering. (Don’t take offense, Griz, the “technical geek” is much less derogatory than it used to be – more like a badge of excellence, now.)

There’s lots more on the word “geek” at Wikipedia.

By Trish | Posted in Family, Hermit's Rants, Humor, Mis-Tech, Writing | Tagged definition of geek, etymology, geek, Merriam Webster Online | Comments off

Upgrades and The Tao of Geekdom

August 30, 2009

Computers and associated realms are a relevant part of my life, but not the most significant part. I am not a computer engineer, designer, programmer, gamer, seller, or even frequent buyer. I’m even a bit stand-offish as a blogger and social networker.

But I’m not really a newbie. ComputerTao1 Computers have always been a part of my work life. We’ve had personal computers in our household (and household budget) for almost 30 years. Griz’ professional life as an electronics and software engineer was the original motivation; but with the tools available, I was a user from the beginning. (Remember DOS?)

But admittedly, Griz is the computer geek at our house. I am a geek lover, geek observer, geek appreciator and sometimes geek user (don’t go there). Griz and I now run a small online business together (Tools-n-Gizmos.com) which combines our compatible computer skills with Griz’ passion for all things tool.

But to me, computers are essentially just that: tools – nothing more. I don’t really have a passion for tools. If the hardware and software are serving my current needs, I’m content. I never lust after the latest, greatest, fastest. The latest, greatest and fastest are, afterall, available next year – perfected and less expensive. I have never been cutting-edge oriented – about computers or anything else really.

I upgrade when I want, in response to whim or need, but I’ve never considered learning new software or adjusting to new hardware a variety of “fun.” It’s just an acceptable part of the process – like trimming your toenails.

But even with a resident geek in the household, I don’t remember ANY computer change – EVER – going as planned. There’s ALWAYS a little OUCH factor somewhere in even the simple adjustments. This last week, with an untimely combination of personal and business computer glitches, I seriously considered the possibility that most computer professions are actually masochistic – based on an eternal cycle of voluntarily-inflicted and subsequently-resolved pain.

I retreated from that extreme as this week’s -isms began to wane. Now I’m back to this: Computer life is an accurate, unceasing metaphor for life in general. It’s the Tao all over again.

Consider the slippery slope of a change or upgrade:

YOU START WITH:
What you think you have,
What you think you know,

And for the unwise, what you think you are relative to those.

Add a little wisdom and you realize all of the above are merely your subjective opinions, but, I digress…

SO (wise or unwise):
You decide to make a change, however minor or grandiose.

NOW YOU HAVE:
What you think you have,
What you think you know,
What you want to happen,

SO:
You do some research.

THROW INTO THE MIX
What you’ve been told will happen (expert advice or marketing “truths“)
What you think you’ve been told will happen (the advice and marketing filtered by your subjective receptivity and interpretation of the information).

AND YOU WIND UP WITH:
What you EXPECT to happen.

So you make a CHOICE to invest your time or money or both in pursuit of those hazard-prone EXPECTATIONS.

Drumroll…………………………

And then you have – ta-da:
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS…

…which invariably does not go as smoothly as you’d hoped or expected; takes at least twice as much time to complete or resolve; develops a life of its own which changes other things you never thought would be impacted; and ultimately alters much of what you thought you knew about what you know, what you have, and what you want.

So, if you’re wise, – you learn to enjoy the process – The Tao, the way, the moment – the joy of the journey. Don’t hold out for the ultimate objective – you may never quite get there. The journey may not always be fun, but it rarely needs to be a struggle either.

Which, of course, must be why many of the computer geeks I know are so mellow, philosophical and spiritually enlightened. (Possibly a facetious remark.)