An Efficient No Can Do-Loop

Using the 1-800 number provided in a letter we received from Boeing retiree medical plans, I made a telephone call this morning to confirm some information I was unable to confirm online, where I conduct most such business.

I was greeted by a very HALesque, pear-shaped tone, male 3d_1001_1032computer voice which asked me to enter the ID number.

Immediately after I did so, HAL admitted sadly: “I’m having some problems. I’ll transfer you to a representative.”

I was impressed and rather tickled that HAL was willing to admit his fallibility so promptly rather than sending me off to a string of endless menus.

Furthermore, I didn’t have to wait for a live representative. Tami came on the line immediately, provided her name and asked if she could help.

I asked if the ID number I’d entered made it through to her.

She said “no” and asked for the Boeing employee’s name.

She looked the name up to confirm she should offer further assistance and repeated her offer.

I described the information I wished to confirm.

Tami replied with: “So this is a Health and Insurance Plan question?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll have to transfer you to someone who can help.”

Uh-oh.

And she transferred me back to HAL – who was still feeling ill.

Calm but decisive.  No options: “Our system is not available now. Please call back at another time. Good-bye.” Click.

Well, at least I was never on hold,  HAL never called me Dave and he didn’t fade out singing Daisy. A quick good-bye is always much better than being ejected off into space or something.

Might be a sad commentary on our times, though – I’m now so well-trained at phone call hassles with intricate, unhelpful menu loops, getting nowhere efficiently feels like a kind of victory.

Hermit Research: Pseudonyms & Tracking Collars

ResearchBlind

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I  looked out the front window this morning just in time to see two grad students fitting Griz with a tracking collar before he recovered from the effects of their tranquilizer dart. Then I woke up. But I know what prompted the dream: yet another hermit researcher found this blog and hoped for an interview with [...]

Ration of Solitude: Sorry, My Cell Phone’s Been Sleeping In

TinCanPhones

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Griz and I have had mobile phones since the days when they were big and clunky. They’re an invaluable tool, no doubt about it – especially for a household with disparate careers, pressing family commitments and frequently a lot of highway miles surrounding it all. Modern-day schedule juggling – a phase from which Griz and [...]

The “EEK” In Geek – Biting Heads Off Live Chickens

ChickenI’ve been periodically giggling about this all day, so I’ve decided to share. When working on that last post, this gem surprised me -

Who’d have thought the No. 1 definition of geek at Merriam-Webster Online would be:

1. a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake

You have to get all the way down to definition No. 3 for:

3. an enthusiast or expert especially in a technological field or activity <computer geek>

Ponder the irony.  How’d the No. 3 definition ever evolve from that No. 1 definition? Just curious.

And, silly me. The reason I  looked it up was I thought maybe the EE in geek had something to do with electrical engineering. (Don’t take offense, Griz, the “technical geek”  is much less derogatory than it used to be – more like a badge of excellence, now.)

There’s lots more on the word “geek” at Wikipedia.

Upgrades and The Tao of Geekdom

Computers and associated realms are a relevant part of my life, but not the most significant part. I am not a computer engineer, designer, programmer, gamer, seller, or even frequent buyer. I’m even a bit stand-offish as a blogger and social networker.

But I’m not really a newbie. ComputerTao1Computers have always been a part of my work life. We’ve had personal computers in our household (and household budget) for almost 30 years. Griz’ professional life as an electronics and software engineer was the original motivation; but with the tools available, I was a user from the beginning. (Remember DOS?)

But admittedly, Griz is the computer geek at our house. I am a geek lover, geek observer, geek appreciator and sometimes geek user (don’t go there). Griz and I now run a small online business together (Tools-n-Gizmos.com) which combines our compatible computer skills with Griz’ passion for all things tool.

But to me, computers are essentially just that: tools – nothing more. I don’t really have a passion for tools. If the hardware and software are serving my current needs, I’m content. I never lust after the latest, greatest, fastest. The latest, greatest and fastest are, afterall, available next year – perfected and less expensive. I have never been cutting-edge oriented – about computers or anything else really.

I upgrade when I want, in response to whim or need, but I’ve never considered learning new software or adjusting to new hardware a variety of “fun.” It’s just an acceptable part of the process – like trimming your toenails.

But even with a resident geek in the household, I don’t remember ANY computer change – EVER – going as planned. There’s ALWAYS a little OUCH factor somewhere in even the simple adjustments. This last week, with an untimely combination of personal and business computer glitches, I seriously considered the possibility that most computer professions are actually masochistic – based on an eternal cycle of voluntarily-inflicted and subsequently-resolved pain.

I retreated from that extreme as this week’s -isms began to wane. Now I’m back to this: Computer life  is an accurate, unceasing metaphor for life in general.  It’s the Tao all over again.

Consider the slippery slope of a change or upgrade:

YOU START WITH:
What you think you have,
What you think you know,

And for the unwise, what you think you are relative to those.

Add a little wisdom and you realize all of the above are merely your subjective opinions, but, I digress…

SO (wise or unwise):
You decide to make a change, however minor or grandiose.

NOW YOU HAVE:
What you think you have,
What you think you know,
What you want to happen,

SO:
You do some research.

THROW INTO THE MIX
What you’ve been told will happen (expert advice or marketing “truths“)
What you think you’ve been told will happen (the advice and marketing filtered by your subjective receptivity and interpretation of the information).

AND YOU WIND UP WITH:
What you EXPECT to happen.

So you make a CHOICE to invest your time or money or both in pursuit of those hazard-prone EXPECTATIONS.

Drumroll…………………………

And then you have – ta-da:
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS…

…which invariably does not go as smoothly as you’d hoped or expected; takes at least twice as much time to complete or resolve; develops a life of its own which changes other things you never thought would be impacted; and ultimately alters much of what you thought you knew about what you know, what you have, and what you want.

So, if you’re wise, – you learn to enjoy the process – The Tao, the way, the moment – the joy of the journey. Don’t hold out for the ultimate objective – you may never quite get there. The journey may not always be fun, but it rarely needs to be a struggle either.

Which, of course, must be why many of the computer geeks I know are so mellow, philosophical and spiritually enlightened.   (Possibly a facetious remark.)

Movement Warning

Well, it’s almost September. Although I’m not officially back from my blog break, this post seems necessary as a courtesy to my interim readers and subscribers.

As part of my ongoing blogging education, I’ve moved Blog from a Hermit Dot Com from WordPress.com (hosted by WordPress) to WordPress.org (independently hosted). It’s one of those “simple” computer maneuvers which has turned out a bit more complicated and time-consuming than I expected.

My apologies if you happen upon any of the broken links or other glitches before I get them repaired. I appreciate your tolerance. Your comments and suggestions are welcome.

My mantra for today:

I always remember, I have everything I need to enjoy my here and now – unless I am letting my consciousness be dominated by demands and expectations based on the dead past or the imagined future. - Ken KeyesHandbook to Higher Consciousness

Stop Bitching About What Isn’t – Rediscover the Magic of What Is

It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.” – Carl Jung

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I really enjoyed this video of Louis CK on Conan O’Brien though I disagree with Louis CK’s specific admonishment of the younger generation. Perpetual malcontent is unfortunately a cross-generational phenomenon. I see just as many malcontents in my own generation (baby boomers). Perhaps the discontent is for different reasons, but whining is whining.

For me,  crankiness in youth is almost more understandable than the perpetual grouch I see in some elders.  By the time you reach mid-life and beyond, you should have gained some  perspective about life’s cycles and unpredictability. So life didn’t turn out just the way you expected – get over it. Stop trying to control others – you can’t. Stop bitching about what isn’t and rediscover the magic of what is.  This moment is what you’ve got.  Live, love, laugh.

“He who no longer pauses to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.” – Albert Einstein

Federally-Funded Academic-Speak: Dance Moves or Feminine Hygiene Products?

While doing a little fact check for my last post, I ran into this poetic gem in a NOAA document:

“Considerable evidence indicates that climate in the Puget Sound region is cyclical, with maxima (warm, dry periods) and minima (cold, wet periods) occurring at decadal intervals[....] Mantua et al. (1997) and Hare and Mantua (2000) evaluated relationships between interdecadal climate variability and fluctuations in the abundance and distribution of marine biota.”

Maxima?… Minima?…Biota? Can’t decide if these sound more like feminine hygiene products or dance moves. I’ll forgive the author if he speaks English as a second or third language. Just so much easier to say:

Puget Sound climate alternates between warm, dry periods and cold wet periods at about 10-year cycles. The cycles impact the abundance and distribution of marine life.

(Footnotes are always great for crediting the researchers.)

In the mid-1980′s, I worked briefly for a firm which held a large editorial contract for NOAA. The task was to clean-up and translate the written work of a number of federally-funded “principal investigators” who were out roaming the Arctic, assessing the environmental impact of developing natural resources (OIL) on Alaska’s outer continental shelf. The original intention of the editorial project was good – compile the research for public consumption and produce a readable book.

I suppose the sub-text was to demonstrate “whatever we do up there, we looked into it carefully.”

The “Reports from Principal Investigators” arrived in boxes of loose pages, some typed, some handwritten, with labeled photographs and charts and sounding a lot like the first climate paragraph I quoted above.  The  editorial task was daunting.

I actually have a lot of admiration for those scientists (principal investigators) who were out braving the elements to watch polar bears and other Arctic mammals and birds. I have even more admiration for the ones that braved the same elements to watch algae grow. However, I sincerely hope we are now producing generations of better communicators in the scientific community – presuming, of course, generations X and Y can break their acronym/abbreviation addictions.

I’ve been out of academic, environmental and editorial loops for awhile. Please – someone tell me the writing has improved! In the mid-1980′s personal computers weren’t very portable or fast, so back then; we were probably lucky to get what we got. Even now,  I suppose there’s only so much you can do electronically in sub-zero temperatures. But in our culture of rapid written communication – e-mails, text messaging, social networking – surely our connected, young scientists are getting better at using written words effectively. And if not, why not?

I departed the NOAA editorial job before the project was finished. My reasons were more idealistic than practical - based on my insider knowledge that the contracting  firm’s president quadrupled the contract costs because he was going through a divorce and needed the bucks, rather than because it was actually costing more to produce the book. (I admit my idealism was bolstered by the knowledge that Griz had a good job at the time.) But some of my colleagues who hung-in informed me later the ultimate sale-price of the book would have to be $350 per copy to cover the editorial work. (Are taken-for-granted cost overruns still written into Federal contracts? I hope not.) Don’t know if anyone ever read that book. It’s probably in a library somewhere.

I have a best buddy who’s a professor at a large university. She periodically contemplates retiring (until this year). She loves to teach, but her recurring complaint always comes down to “Sometimes I just don’t know if I can read another dissertation.” So maybe it’s too early for the better communicators to have hit grad school. Of course, the eternal trail of pedantic academic-speak may be perpetuated by older academicians. Kind of like the 72-hour hospital shifts medical students endure even though it’s been proven hazardous to students and patients. Another one of those  ”We had to do it, so they have to do it” rites of passage.

But there’s still some good news. With electronic publishing, all that bad writing can be made available to the hard-core researchers without ever producing more than one paper copy. And maybe now,  with all the government cut-backs, we just won’t have dollars available for all those unnecessary words.

Blackest Friday: Humans Emulate Crazy Rasberry Ants

For some reason, I missed the first round of buzz on crazy rasberry ants which have invaded six counties in Texas. They’re named after Tom Rasberry, the exterminator who first identified them. Tom’s not crazy, but the ants are – they move about in random, riotous fashion rather than in orderly formations. They apparently have voracious appetites for electronics which they destroy by feeding on insulation. Even the folks at NASA’s Johnson Space Center are worried.  Texas A&M, USDA, the Texas Department of Agriculture and others have formed a task force to address the Crazy, Rasberry Ant Problem (CRAP?).

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How interesting (and disturbing) to be reading about the crazy ants today – the day we humans (with voracious appetites for electronics and moving in riotous fashion) have managed to trample to death a Walmart associate in our day-after-Thanksgiving, shopping frenzy.  We’ve also reduced ourselves to a shoot-out at Toys-R-Us, of all places. Where’s the task force on Black Friday Disease (BFD?)?

Ironic Flap In Flying, Flightless Fowl (or Foul)

This award-winning tv spot from the Washington State Lottery Commission just started reappearing (it first aired last Spring and then vanished) I have to admit it’s a great ad – puts a smile on my face everytime – especially that little penguin instinctively flapping his stubby wings (flippers when he’s swimming in his natural environment).

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The Lottery Commission put a few bucks into the ad. It’s not like some middle-aged hang-glider just wandered in with the video and wondered if anyone wanted to use it.  The ad is a joint effort of  Publicis West, Sticks+Stones Studios and FisherEdit/Fisher FX. The birds were never more than a few feet off the ground, filmed in front of a green screen. (No birds were hurt or scared shitless filming this ad.)

The ad is supposed to make you realize all the crazy/wonderful things you can do (for less fortunates) if you win a bundle of money playing the lottery. If there was surge in lottery sales this year, it probably has less to do with the ad and more to do with tough economic times - which tend to increase gambling dollars spent close to home.

Subtext should include the fact that you have about as much chance of winning the lottery as the poor emu has of flying (with or without a hang-glider).

Washington State lottery dollars are distributed at approximately this split: 61% to winners; 20% to school construction (the best thing); 15% administrative & sales costs; 2.5% to sports stadiums; .06 % to economic development; .05% to address problem gambling.

Washington State is a big gambling state. The Washington State government profits from many gambling venues:  partnering on some, regulating some, totally directing others and accepting large sums of lobbying dollars.  The venues include the lottery, private card rooms, pull tabs, a large number of Indian casinos; and para-mutual (horse race) wagering.

Ironically (and ostensibly to save us all from ourselves), the Washington legislature has made playing online poker in the privacy of your own home a felony (on a par with sexual assault and distribution of pornography).  The law was passed rapidly, fueled by incidents of teenagers running up huge credit card debt at online poker sites and with the help of large sums of lobbying dollars from Indian casinos.

Teenagers running up huge online gambling debts is a parenting problem, not an online gambling problem. When online poker was legal, one could play for as little as 5 or 10 cents per wager – a fun option for people who want to play poker without investing a lot of money.  Minimums at brick-and-mortar casinos run between $3 and $5 per wager with $100 minimum buy-ins for poker games.  Poker involves skill – it’s not a blind game of chance – like lotteries.  Minimum purchase price for any of the multitude of available Washington lottery games is $1.00 per ticket.    What’s wrong with this picture?

Like the UIEGA, the Washington State legislation falls back on the idea that online poker players risk being cheated by unregulated off-shore sites.  There have been incidents of cheating and intentional fraud, but overall, the online poker community has self-regulated. Like other online networks, online poker players spread the word fast – sites that allow cheating or intentionally defraud fade fast.

Cute flying fowl commercials don’t erase the hypocrisy of this “protectionist” legislation. The reality is this: Washington’s government encourages you to gamble – but not unless they get their rake from the pot.