“I think we have a wonderful marriage. I love my husband.  He’s my best friend. But I always like to talk honestly about it because I think about other young couples who think there are no struggles to get here. And there are.  That’s part of it.  The message is – work through the struggles.  Start out with somebody that you respect and that you trust so that when you hit the bumps that are inevitable you always have that foundation. I tell Barack as mad as he can make me I look at him and I say, “I really LIKE you.  I like you, and I like the way you think and I like the person you.  It’s hard to stray too far, to stay mad too long, when the person is someone you like.”

I also liked psychobabble’s summation:

“This is exactly and absolutely right.  I’m so glad to see such a prominent national figure out there saying it in such a public forum.   This is a message young couples can’t possibly hear often enough.“

In a culture such as ours which so highly values equity, autonomy and independence, successful long-term relationships really are marvels of sorts.

Loving another person has always seemed easier to me than the living with part. Isn’t that true for most people?  It never ceases to amaze me how long Griz and I have been together. Perhaps my continuing awe about that is part of our endurance. Sure, respecting each others’ solitude is part of the equation for us – we spend a lot of time alone-though-in-proximity. But it’s not the whole success story.  Han Suyin’s statement: “Love from one being to another can only be that two solitudes come nearer,” applies to everyone, not just hermits.

The love which initiates spousal relationships is always refined and (if we’re lucky) enhanced by living together. Living together is really the platform where we discover whether we do, in fact, like each other well enough to last.  Just after college I lived with another Psyche major for nearly three years: In retrospect I realize John and I spent so much time sleuthing each others’ psyches, for a long time we completely overlooked the fact we really didn’t like each other.

Courtship in our culture can traverse quite rapidly from lust to love to living together. Children are often added to the equation before the couple has time to notice whether they like and respect each other. But like and mutual respect are actually the bedrock. They carry you through the disagreements and disappointments. They are the basis of a shared sense of humor and mutual appreciation. They allow you to celebrate your differences as well as your similarities.

We all change, as do our circumstances. Sometimes love is not sustainable through the changes and sticking together is certainly not always the answer. But love over the long haul does take you to new vistas you cannot perceive or even imagine when you first start out. In my opinion, the discoveries are well worth the (sometimes bumpy) ride.

I tell Griz  “I love you” every day, but I forget to remind him how much I like him, too:

“Griz, I like you. Have I mentioned lately what a stimulating pleasure it is to spend time in your company?”

“Now, please, leave me alone.”

Just kidding about that last part.  That’s something I rarely have to ask. Griz knows when I prefer solitude, because Griz knows me.